1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
