i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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