too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
