Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
