1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
