mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
