your parents love me but you hate me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
