First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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