the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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