Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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