is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
