There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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