My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
