weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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