I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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