I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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