You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
