I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
