When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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