Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
