Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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