Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
