so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
