Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
