We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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