I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
