Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
