My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Randomize
