Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
