Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
