haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
