You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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