Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
