saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
