Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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