Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
