Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
