I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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