Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
