I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
