I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
