I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
