i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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