If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
