It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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