Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
