youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
