I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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