Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
