I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
