she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Drunk is not a location!
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