Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
