i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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