i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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