Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
