Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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