I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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