Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
