he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
