This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
