i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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