So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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