This is not my ceiling
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
