Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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