I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
