You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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