I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
